Sunday, 10 August 2014

Lesson 24: Woeful Weddings

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of attending a good friend's wedding. The whole day. At a lovely venue with great weather and great food. Glorious.

Only it turns out our toddler is not a big fan. Of sitting down for longer than two minutes, of eating actual food (not confectionery) and of talking at any volume less than shouting.

During the vows, he shouted 'Farty Pants' and 'WHERE'S THE WEDDING?' Hubby had to remove him. He missed the wedding.

During the amazing sit down meal he ran between posh tables hitting strangers with his balloon sword. I'm blaming the magician/balloon man for this one, what's wrong with making a giraffe?

During the speeches, he reached Toddler Boiling Point and started whinging at a concerning volume. We had to leave the room for a Time Out. I missed the speeches.

Do I look like I enjoy weddings?
And throughout all of this, at least once every twenty minutes he declared 'I need a wee!' and 'I just need a poo' which obviously we took seriously. And obviously he mostly didn't need anything. Except a thick ear.

He didn't want to be in the photos. 

He demanded ketchup for his meal and wiped it on the sleeve of his Dad's new shirt. 

He cried when we refused to let him have a second bag of sweets. 

And twice he escaped onto the roof terrace to 'hide.'

If this is how annoying we found our own child throughout the day, I can only imagine how irritating he was to others. Particularly to the poor unsuspecting (but oh-so-lucky) childless people who cannot fathom the impossibility of making your child behave.

We were those childless people attending weddings a few years ago. God they were happy times....and it is fair to say that disrupted speeches, drowned out vows and a smack in the face from a ketchup covered balloon terrorist would have been our worst nightmare. 

Of course, this still is our worse nightmare. But now we are committed. And responsible. More's the pity. 

So you see I was quite looking forward to attending said function as our family unit. He can be charming. He had a nice shirt on. But realistically, had we wanted to enjoy the day, we should have got a babysitter. 

Next time I will get a babysitter, sit peacefully drinking prosecco and if the mood takes me shoot disapproving glances at the unruly children causing noise disturbance (just kidding, they'll have my full sympathy).

I don't care if that is not the Done Thing. It is, without a doubt, the kindest of outcomes.

Lesson 24: Wedding and kids. Urgh. LEAVE THEM AT HOME*. Unless you have a cooperative one. In which case, you could take yours along as a beacon of hope and tut at the disgraceful behaviour of children like mine.

The Unmumsy Mum
[*I know that's not always possible, I'm just bitter because I was wiping a bum during the speeches].


  1. Love it! I was so relieved to find out our friend's wedding is adults only, can't wait!

  2. Ah yes, adult only weddings...a legit reason to jettison the ankle biters for the day. Score!

  3. "Kids make a wedding!" some people say. Bollocks. Weddings are about eating nice food, boozing, partying til late - oh -and celebrating the commitment of two adults. How is any of that conducive with kids? Just discovered your blog and I think I love you!

  4. I have unfortunately attended a couple of weddings with my little boy and they were truly awful. He actually managed to run up to the alter at one of them and at the other one he shouted "blah blah blah" during the dad's heartfelt speech. Never again! My brother is getting married in August and we are going without children, hooray for actually having a nice time!

  5. We invited our friends, with toddler, to our wedding. Clearly in preparation for the big day they had taught said toddler a new During the speeches every time my (rather nervous) husband opened his mouth to speak, the adorable little one yelled 'wedding!!' at the top of her voice. I thought it was hilarious, her parents were mortified. To be fair it was one of my favourite memories of our day, even if they wanted the ground to open up and swallow them.... great blog :)

  6. I have 2 weddings to attend this summer. Both well be with my 2 yr old and 4 month old. I am dreading it to say the least!