Sunday, 1 March 2015

Lesson 50: Toddler Funnies

'Kids are SO funny!' people used to tell me before I decided to take the plunge myself. Are they? I thought. Funny how? They seemed pretty fucking annoying to me.

I actually had no reason to trust these people, who, it later transpired, were liars. 

They told me I wouldn't even remember my life before kids. 

I do. Oh how I do. 

They told me having kids would be the 'best thing I'd ever do'. Granted this is probably true long-term, but it is definitely not true at 3am when one child needs feeding and the other has pissed the bed. At those times it makes my Top 5 'What the hell was I thinking' moments (alongside my red adidas trousers and turquoise Kappa jacket combo). 

But the kids being funny bit...well, I'll give them that. That wasn't a lie. 

The humour doesn't happen instantly. I mean babies aren't all that funny are they?  Sure it's mildly entertaining when they sit up and topple over. Or when they flick food on their head and wonder where it has gone. But generally my babies have never really made me laugh out loud (I have cried out loud though...oh god there has been lots of crying....)

But when they become toddlers, when they become small people (rather than screaming potatoes), the comedy gold moments materialise. Scattered amongst the tantrums, the food refusal and general arsehole-ish behaviour, toddlers are bloody hilarious
Hours of LOLs
Below are just a few of Boy One's 'funnies' from the last couple of months:

'Can I have a special meal for my birthday tea? From B&Q?' (KFC).

[Loudly outside Tesco] 'Why are we at Tesco again? Do we need more wine?' 

'Does that lady have a FANNY? DOES SHE HAVE ONE MUM?'

'How will baby brother get out your tummy? Is there a slide?'

[Playing his fishing game] 'I like big rods best. Do you like big rods Mummy?' *Insert unnecessary parent chortling*

'That's a graveyard. It's where you go when you are DEADED. You go there on the Underground.'

'Are we going to have a sniff of the smelly bush?' [Rosemary in herb garden, I swear!]

'That squirrel is hungry! He's looking for some chicken nuggets!' 

[With a big sigh] 'That IS the question.' 

And amongst all of the above gems, we are treated daily to his current obsession with all things boobs, pants, bum, poo and farts. Granted this does get annoying. And at times it's bloody embarassing. 

But on the rainiest and most boring of days, when the baby is screaming and I would quite like to hide behind the fridge door drinking wine through a straw (whilst sobbing), there is something undeniably comical about a two year old shouting 'Booby pants!' 'Stinky poo fart!' and/or 'Knickers ON YOUR HEAD!' whilst in the Post Office. 

God love 'em.

Lesson 50: I'm sure many of the above are 'you had to be there' moments, but if you are a new parent still in the baby stage, or if you are shortly transitioning to the toddler years, you can look forward to similar funnies of your own. 

Alongside the arsehole-ish behaviour. Sorry about that. 

The Unmumsy Mum


  1. Amazing! I have many of those moments too. My little one once shouted in the middle of the park, 'you cant get down the slide mummy, you're far too large' Large?!?

  2. Haha yes! Kids are freaking hilarious once they get out of that oozing from every orifice stage. I laughed out loud at some of these :D

  3. Haha! Thank god toddlers have some redeeming features. If they didn't I would consider leaving tescos every week.
    My son likes to hang out the door when burly delivery men come say 'helllooo ladies!' Whilst I gaffuw behind him. He hasn't quite got the male female thing yet.

  4. Ha ha my little onesie just a toddler so just experiencing the funny parts. This is so true though

  5. Ha, I laughed out loud, despite not being there. Does that lady have a fanny? and sniff the big smelly bush are my favourites - he has a glittering career ahead of him ;)
    Very true that toddlers can be such arseholes (I have muttered that word under my breath twice already today) but the funny stuff definitely helps!

  6. Haha yep my 4yo comes out with some amazing one liners. She often announces in tesco that we need "more dirty beer".

  7. Thank you for another laugh! Make sure nobody gets hurt cutting the smelly bush.
    Oh and you just cleared my fear of dying...if you go to the graveyard on the underground....there will be probably a long delay anyway hooray.

  8. My son went through a stage of telling everyone that Granny died because her heart exploded (everyone being the lady on the till in Asda/several meter readers/pre-school) queue copious explosive noises and a facial expression usually associated with having McDonalds for tea! There is a silver lining, it's amazing how quickly you can get rid of double glazing salesmen!

  9. I nearly just wet myself reading this (and I did do my pelvic floors for months!!). I love the pure genius of innocence!

  10. My embarrassing moment was when my 3 1/2 year old son decided he needed a wee NOW outside a shop in town to start pulling his pants down to "nnoooooo not here...." Ok I give in I help him squat to then here the dreaded grunting noises to find he is shiting on my boots! "I pooing mummy" in such a proud tone.
    Luckily I had a poo bag for the dog in my pocket but let's just say I was motified :-)

    1. I'm sooo sorry but that is hilarious, made me laugh out loud ��

    2. Omg i really did laugh out loud at your post :/

    3. My husband just had to ask if I was ok as I was laughing so hard...

  11. I told my 3year old I needed to pop to the toilet whilst we were having lunch in m&s and he shouted loudly " do you need a poo mummy, quick my mummy needs a poo".

  12. One morning I was taking my four year old son to our village shop and there was some building work going on at the top of our road. He was pointing at the various work vehicles and asking what they were. I would say what it was, then he would repeat it. All was going well until we got to ..' Dumper Truck'. Dumper Fuck he repeated proudly. No James... it's Dumper .. Truck..T..R..U..C..K .. Truck! Dumper Fuck he repeated again. I quickly got him off the subject and he seemed to forget about it.
    Later on, I attended his introductory afternoon at our local Primary school. I sat with all the other parents listening to the teacher as she presented a slide show all about the school. The children were playing behind us. All of a sudden there was a very loud sing songy Dumper Fuck.. Dummmmper Fucccck, cutting through the sound of all the other children. The other Parents visibly stiffened in their seats. I sat staring straight ahead wishing the ground would open up and swallow me. The Teacher carried on like a pro. He carried on singing it for a good 20 minutes. When we left, as we past by the teacher, I muttered a very quick .. ' I'm so sorry.. He has a speech impediment', before we shot out the door.

  13. Can I just say, boys never actually grow out of the boobs, bum, poo, pants, fart stage.. my boy started at 2, now 7 and still obsessed!! Never knew so many combinations if those five words were possible!

  14. But you can remind them of the funnies when they have their teen-age girl friends visiting!

  15. Love it. Mine was reading rhymes with Grandma the other day "hey diddle diddle the cat had a widdle the cow pumped over the moon..." Granny was not amused but I was chewing my finger off trying not to die laughing - they certainly pick their moments!

  16. My daughter is still learning to talk and so for the words she does know some letters get mixed up (e.g. s sounds are a d etc.). It is a little disconcerting when she tries to say comfy though as the m sound is replaced with an n and the f with a t. :-O I'll have to remember to not let her get too comfortable if we are in public!

  17. My daughter spent a short period of time saying "wank you" instead of thank you. However we were also teaching her to be polite so she said it everywhere. ...... Tesco, nursery, granny's etc etc......!

  18. My daughter had a garden cane with some string to use as a fishing rod and had tied a stuffed toy dog to the end and was standing by the fort in the garden waving it about and shouting, "I'm not fishing Mummy, I'm dogging!" she wondered why we were wetting ourselves, several years later, now she's nearly twenty we like to remind of this.

  19. My children say the funniest things here are a few examples:
    after dinner at nannies my daughter said....
    wow nanny this is delicious it's not even burned you have outdone yourself (never have they eaten anything burned... hot dogs cover up for poop explosions causing emergency shower and burnt dinner)
    yay you can pick me up I have knickers on.... we had to bribe her to wear knickers no knickers no cuddles

  20. I'm not a mum, I just saw this blog shared on a friend's facebook, whilst procrastinating my way through an international trade law seminar. I've just the past 5 minutes having a coughing fit to cover up the fact that I was laughing my arse off!! This is brilliant!

  21. My little girl once called the bus driver a pillock... to his face "thank you pillock" only she mumbled so it sounded like "fuck you pillock" we stayed on the bus one extra stop (with the littler one and the pram and ALL the bloody shopping) and i said "say sorry for calling the driver that naughty word"
    darling daughter: "why?"
    Me: "Because it isn't nice to call people names"
    Darling daughter: "but i made it up... it means really nice person" she deadpans ..

    Well fuck me what do i do now

    "thankyou driver" as we run of the bus as fast as the pram and shopping will allow :)