Monday, 23 March 2015

Lesson 54: Sod's Law for Parents

Eight ‘bloody typical’ moments guaranteed to happen in your parenting life:

1) Randomly bumping into somebody you know will occur when, and only when, you look like shit. You will also be accompanied by snotty and unruly children (‘yes these are mine’). Sod’s Law states that if said someone is an ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend) you will look exceptionally shit. Like a dog’s dinner that has been rained on.


This law is particularly painful if you knew that person in your life pre-kids, because it’s possible they will hold a memory of your tamed eyebrows and/or your legs without leggings. The one day you do make an effort (wrestle into skinny jeans/slap on some BB cream and lip balm) there will be no such old flame encounter.

2) The zip on the Gro bag/all-in-one snowsuit/pram hood will break or get stuck at a time when your baby's crying has gone off the scale (or, as we like to say in our house, when he has “gone savage”). You will be left trying to fix a broken zip underneath the chin of a crying and kicking beetroot-red baby. Upon experiencing such zip-breakage, I challenge you not to shout ‘you good for nothing piece of shit, I’m complaining to John Lewis!’ (You will never do this).

3) Your children will only 'sleep in' on the days you need them to get up. Saturday morning with nowhere to be? Oh they're awake at 4am, jumping on the bed shouting ‘BUNDLE!’ and telling you they have wet pyjama bottoms. And can they watch Ben 10? But when the
Thursday 6am alarm goes off for the child-minder run...they are in a sleep coma. Yep. 

4) The same sleeping misfortune happens in the car. You can be driving for an hour hoping  your child will drop off so you can listen to the radio, but he will maintain a constant whinge until you are five minutes from home. You will then find yourself sitting in the car outside your house, drinking in the silence whilst at the same time thinking this is another sodding NOWO (Nap Of Wasted Opportunity). If they just napped in their goddam beds you could put some washing out. And watch Judge Rinder. 


"A nap in my cot, you say? Oh that's funny!"

5)  The moment you are trying to leave the house, everybody (baby/toddler/husband) needs the toilet. You will spend a ridiculous amount of your life muttering ‘for fuck’s sake' whilst angrily getting another nappy out. For this reason, you must allow a forty minute margin of error to any target departure time. Of course when you finally are all out the door (and strapped into car seats, or the pram) the baby will squeeze another one out. Or be sick. By this point you will deny all knowledge and drive to Sainsbury’s.

6) The family lurgy will strike when you have a night out planned. Your ONE NIGHT of freedom to drink gin and dance embarrassingly to songs you don't know (whatever happened to N*Sync?) will die a germy death before you even get to dig out a Going Out Top.
Probably for the best as that Topshop number you wore in 2009 is unlikely to be a great fit over your yellowing maternity bra (no you are no longer breastfeeding, but underwire and padding just seems so fancy these days).

7) Friends will get have Hen Dos, 30th birthday parties and general organised fun activities when you are eight months pregnant. If you stay at home, you will sit on the sofa drinking raspberry leaf tea and watching The Voice, feeling depressed. If you go, you will be fat, sweaty and sober (and will have paid for the privilege). There is no winner here.

8) If you do brave a G&T (or four), an otherwise sleep-trained baby will be up half the night. Eight month sleep regression? Meh. How about the ‘Oh look, Mummy and Daddy are trying to enjoy a normal adult evening the stupid bastards’ sleep regression. They just know.

 The Unmumsy Mum


30 comments:

  1. 2 hen nights whilst pregnant. Late for work every weekend and a night out cancelled last week due to illness 😊😊😊

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  2. Number 5 is especially true in our house, ffs!

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  3. My kids only ever fall asleep when we reach the "welcome to...." signpost. So of your ever stuck behimd a zafira driving 0.0mph please bear in mind we are enjoying the peace and quiet for 5 more minutes while you arw screaming "learn to do drive you bunch of to****s" at your windscreen.

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  4. Loved this post, Sod's law sums up parenting perfectly! I get so frustrated with NOWO they occur most days in my house.

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  5. Sods law number nine, is posting your (quite witty) comment before signing in to bloody Google, and then losing it. But yeh, this list is basically my life. Don't ever stop doing this, you're my hero

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    1. You're my hero too. Whatever kind of shit day I'm having, if I read your blog and all the comments that follow, without fail I laugh out loud. Hope it's nice to know you're making a difference like that :)

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  6. 9) everyone getting the shits the day before/first day of our holiday.
    This has happened on our last two holidays. We daren't book anything abroad.

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  7. 3 and 4 are the bane of my life!! Absobloodylutely loving your blog, thank you, I'm not alone hooray!

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  8. The first time the baby sleeps through the night the toddler decides to wake up three times

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  9. Love this. Relate to all! I'm just getting over the lurgy I had to leave my girly night out with as I felt so crap x

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  10. 7) Because you're not drinking you will probably also find yourself driving your fellow hens around while they drunkenly bellow in your ear about how great you are, despite the fact they haven't seen you in a year and will probably never see you again after the wedding.

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  11. *sniggers, nods and downs morning gin* lol xxx

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  12. Amazing! my boys are 2 1/2 and 10 months and I regularly have days like the ones that you describe and spend my life trying to 'hold it together' and 'put a face on it' and then every few weeks it all falls apart... so good to hear that I am not the only mum having feelings and thoughts like those that you describe xxx

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  13. Love this blog.
    This is so our house!

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  14. Starting to wonder if my 3 years of infertility are actually a blessing after all and I should think twice about shelling out £7000 on ivf? Is there anything good about having kids? Starting to wonder!

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    1. Ahh I could write a hundred blogs on the good bits...I won't, because there are already so many of those blogs 'out there.' All the best with the IVF x

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    2. Thank you xx

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    3. Just wanted to wish you lots of luck and strength through IVF. If you can read a blog like this, you are already coping better than I did, and should be admired. I wasted 6 years of my life feeling bitterness and overwhelming sadness when other people got pregnant and had babies - could never have read this blog. And now I have not one but two amazing boys of my own. Never ever ever thought it would happen and it did! love them to bits and would never change a thing - but the Unmumsy mum is still so right in all her posts, it's bl***y hard work! Xxxxxxx

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    4. In my humble opinion, your life is not better or worse with children (this is just my opinion - please no one shoot me!) it's just different. I had a sort of career going on before I had my first, but (and it doesn't have to be this way - I just couldn't bear to leave the wee toot) - that slipped away, and I do struggle now with what I'll do when I'm older. Ten year gap between my two as well, with infertility issues. Oh, so p.s. please don't lose hope if you do want kids. I was told I couldn't/would be impossible without IVF, so my first felt like a miracle (it happened at a particularly stressful time in my life as well) and my second at the ripe old age of 41 - I would never have expected that. And this to be honest was without trying even with ovulation tests (was told I wasn't) and such.

      There are many positives and many negatives. You might never sleep properly again, your relationship/intimacy may suffer, you may break up - happened with me and my husband with my first child. Or maybe none of these things and it will be hard work but good. This blog is fantastic, because of its honesty about the good and the bad. x

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  15. Any positives about having kids?

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  16. So so true. surprise 30th birthday gathering /drinking session planned by best friend for MY 30th, planned months in advance ...and I get Pregnant! Plans cancelled and replaced with a floor picnic at home with best friend and my 3yr old. Not quite the same!!

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  17. Second time around, naps in car were used as an excuse for drive through Starbucks/McDonald's coffee. Cherish the opportunity of a hot drink in perfect peace!!! :D

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  18. Have two little ones eleven months apart youngest is just turned two. .. have you met the smug parents of one child yet? They watch whilst you gave one under control whilst the other goes awol and then they switch sides. ...

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  19. Have a 7 & 8 year old and a 17 & 18 year old, you just get them trained to sleep through the nights and occasionally have lie ins, then they become teenagers. No more us time at night because they stay up later than we do.

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  20. Hearing, "I NEED A POO" when you're in a shop with no loo/at the beach with no wipes/on a remote single track road just trying to fucking get somewhere

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  21. I came onto your blog while focusing just slightly submits. Nice strategy for next, I will be bookmarking at once seize your complete rises
    how to get kids to sleep

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